What can we learn from pain?

Part of my eating disorder has always been about avoiding pain, avoiding the illusion of pain, or the fear of it (same thing). I have learned a few things from my own personal experience. These things are true for me, but may not be true for someone else because we each have our own individual path, but I wanted to write a little post about this.

Pain, on a physical level, tells us what part of our body may be injured, strained or damaged in some way. It tells us this so that we can rest that part of our body, or maybe do an epsom salt bath to help sore muscles for example.  This is the most basic purpose of physical pain. Of course physical pain can also be a manifestation of mental or emotional pain, and in this case it will show up in the weakest body part.

Emotional and mental pain can teach us, in the same way, what part of our spirit is hurting, and this is usually because we are not honouring it in one way or another. It can be a tool to show us that we are not honouring our true self, and then we can take this knowledge and put it towards our greater good, by then taking steps to honour ourselves. For a person with a background of eating disorders or depression, this is probably something we have never done before and that we need to learn. So how do we do that? By trial and error, experimenting until we find that which resonates within us. (The trick, of course, is to not get discouraged and give up, to always remember that we are worth it, and that in the end, learning this will be worth it many times over the struggle it took to get there.)

Pain can show us our deepest desires, our darkest fears, our worst enemies and the best as well as the worst sides of ourselves. It can show us our path in life, or give us a hint that what we are doing is not in accordance with our true selves.  I believe that this is valuable information given to us, if we are open to it, and we can use it to help us move forward, to heal and recover from anything, in this case an eating disorder. The key is to always see pain for what it is. It is here to help us, and we don't have to fear it or run away from it.  So in the light of this insight, I always try to remember to be grateful for the pain that I feel, because it is given to me to help me honour my spirit. If I can keep this attitude of gratitude, I can honour my pain and learn from it rather than trying to hide from it and destroying myself in the process.

I feel so sad...

I'm feeling so sad today, I saw on Facebook that a friend, Christina Newman, whom I have followed on Youtube and facebook for years died today following a long, hard battle with triple negative breast cancer. She had the most amazing videos and I felt as though I really knew her because she'd done and been through so many of the same things as I have. Her old videos about her eating disorder and raw foods kept me inspired for many a day...then she got cancer and she posted videos every week to document her story and it just broke my heart to see how much she suffered and she was so brave and strong and kept fighting like you wouldn't believe. She deserved to live and now she's really gone. I just couldn't help crying today and feeling so sad,  thinking back on her life, that could have been me, and really it could be anybody, and if I could learn anything from her it would be to never take anything for granted, and take care of your health while you can. Cleanse your liver and your arteries while you can and learn to love yourself first and foremost because you just never know what could happen. Make the right choices right now, one day at a time, because you can't see into the future and you never will know what could have happened if you hadn't. I am just getting this really strong message right now along with bawling my eyes out, and I feel like such a mess.

Anyway, I have been feeling a really strong message lately to do a juice cleanse, and I decided I want to aim for a 10 day reboot. This time I am doing a combination of my own juices and some of Joe Cross's type juices, and Jason Vale's. I was really getting this message strongly last week during my meditations. I decided to start this weekend and it is now Sunday and today was my first day. It is also day 20 of the 30 day raw challenge I was trying to do! Lol so that means this would be a nice way to finish that off, by juicing for 10 days.

In eating disorder terms...I struggled for the past 3 days. I felt like I had to cram in as much food as possible for some reason and I just had a really hard time and I overate on all 3 days. Just felt like as soon as I made 1 concession to it, all hell broke loose and I had to stuff myself. I am feeling a lot of blocked emotions and am really in need of some mental clarity and juicing will be so amazing for me. Ugh, I feel such a mess about everything. :(

update

Well, I need to post an update, much as I don't feel like it. I feel like a failure right now, in fact. I am not even counting days for anything because whenever I start something I just never follow through on it. I don't even want to show up right now, I wish I could crawl under a rock and hide for awhile, but I can't do that and I need to at least be honest. I did not do well foodwise for the past 3 days. I had horrible feelings of emptiness and they lead to cravings and I ate junk food and I feel horrible. There. Thank god that's over, it feels better to come clean.
Tomorrow is a new day and I intend to seize it and move onward. Sigh. Not feeling very well right now but I know it will pass and I can be feeling great again if I take good care of my body. Sad about this but thankful that tomorrow is a new day and each day we get a free pass to start over, which is an amazing thing and i will make the most of it. Will post again tomorrow and it will be a better day.

Day 8

It's Day 8 of what is now my own personal 30 Day Respecting my Body Challenge. I juiced today, 2 big green juices, and am going to have a veggie and rice bowl for dinner.

I am really working on letting go of attachments and judgements about myself around food. I really have been not respecting or loving myself and it's become an ingrained habit of so many years of having eating disorders that I didn't even realize what I was doing. I always thought the holy grail of eating would be the 100% raw vegan way, but not realizing that it is really love that is the true healer, and putting love for yourself first is a challenge.
I am also finding it scary to surrender all beliefs about food but I know that once I do this I will find peace with my food. That is my goal, to be truly healthy and happy and to have peace with my food. I can't express how exhausting it is to be constantly fighting a battle about whether or not it is ok to eat a certain food, and if not must I punish myself, it just gets so stressful and to set that aside would free up an incredible amount of energy I think!
I had a wonderful run this morning and a decent gym workout as well, and now my body is craving more exercise, so tomorrow there will be more of it. Yay!

Day 7...New Goal!!!

Well, this was supposed to be posted last night (Saturday) but I was really tired and went to bed lol.
But anyway an update is due.

I have struggled this past week. Still feeling the effects of the binge crap food I ate previously which I knew would take a good 6 or more days to clear, but then work was really busy and I didn't eat when I really felt hungry during the day. So then when I got home I was horribly, ravenously hungry. Itried to eat my salads as planned and for awhile I succeeded. Then Wednesday I worked a 12 hour day (which I am very grateful for as I needed the work) and when I got home I felt I had suppressed my hunger so much that I didn't feel satisfied with anything and honestly didn't know what to eat. I ended up eating a whole sack of avocados (5 small ones) which did not feel good in my stomach and I slept poorly. Then same thing Thursday I ended up eating nuts which really really didn't feel good and I felt really sad also and then Friday I ate rice cakes and hummus which of course are not raw, so I am officially out of the challenge.
But I am really grateful because I realized something. All the times I have tried to be all raw, the same thing happens. I end up feeling miserable and deprived and it all feels forced and like I am not living in my right mind, or doing this diet for the right reasons. I believe it's because I haven't been loving myself enough or respecting my body and listening to it. So I realized it's time to set  myself a new goal: To love and respect my body's needs. I am going to change this challenge to a 30 day Respecting my Body Challenge. Which means I am going to remind myself every day to listen to my body and hopefully over the course of the next 21 days I can become better at nourishing myself in a loving way. That is what this is all about. I realize my body just craves love, and I believe love is the best healer. I am going to eat what my body asks for and that way I can learn to become true to myself and I will most likely be high raw vegan as I know that is what my body loves best.
So the rest of this challenge is now going to be about releasing myself from judgements and from putting pressures on myself. My poor body has suffered enough abuse from eating disorders and really doesn't need me adding to it. and if I eat all raw but in a forced way with my body not being happy, I will never be slim and healthy and lean because I am not respecting my body, and my own judgements will get in the way and keep me trapped and may even cause me to binge on junk. After 31 years I know myself enough to realize what I need to do. I just have to trust myself enough to do it.
Today is day 8 and I will make another post later on tonight.
I finally feel pretty good now after a low energy day yesterday, my body was struggling to digest the nuts still, I could feel it and I gave myself two enemas and they helped immeasurably, and I finally felt well last night and went for a beautiful little run, and it was such a lovely warm evening for October.
I went for a run this morning and will go to the gym in a little while as well. I'm so grateful to be feeling so much better! Will decide what to eat and post on that later too. It'll be high raw vegan for sure :)

Day 2 of 30 Day Raw Challenge

Well, I made it through day 2 of my 30 days raw. I didn't feel that great today, withdrawing bigtime from junk and processed stuff of course, but that's what I was expecting and was prepared for it. I know I won't feel wonderful for probably a good week. And then mentally I wasn't feeling very good either, kept feeling a sad, heavy, negative energy. I think it's from sadness and sense of loss that I've spent so many days feeling ill and at the mercy of the eating disorder; it is a kind of mental hangover I think. So strange.
But anyway, I did another enema too, and it helped, but I still feel like crap. I know I will feel better soon, though!
Onwards and upwards :)

Day 1 of 30 Day Raw Challenge

Here I am at Day 1! Eeeeeeee....so excited! I'm thrilled, and well proud of myself, that I made it through the day. I have honestly been feeling lately like I just don't follow through on anything and keep quitting and giving up on things I've been trying, and then I feel like I let myself down and I don't like that feeling, it is not very pleasant.

So anyway, if you've read my blog posts you know that I've not been doing well lately, and to be honest a bit of depression has settled in again, as it always does whenever I eat processed foods repeatedly, but I am so thankful that now I have enough experience to know that whenever I feel that way, it is all just an illusion and that there is a way out, and that within a few days of eating living foods and taking care of myself I can feel fabulous again. My heart's dearest wish, though, is to feel that way ALL the time, and to not feel stressed about foods and eating. To be at peace and feel happy about when and what I eat, and to not feel the need to harm myself with food. To be happy and vibrant and live to the fullest of my human potential in this lifetime. That is my goal.

A couple things happened in the past few weeks worth mentioning. I was for a short time in an Eat to Live challenge group on Facebook and kept wishing and hoping that I could find a similar challenge group for raw, 30 days I thought would be perfect, just felt it was something I really needed, but I couldn't find one no matter how many groups I looked into, and eventually kind of gave up, or set aside my search anyway. Then I toyed with the idea of doing Jason Vale's 28 day Super Juice Me plan, but I don't really want to do it because I want something that I can do all the time, every day, for life as that is the only way I can make it work.  Then, last week out of the blue, I saw a post in one of my raw food groups on Facebook by a beautiful woman named Cecilie who is doing a 30 day raw challenge and is doing posts on Youtube every day, and I was just in heaven when I found this! It is just so perfectly what I need right now! I just know it! I haven't been this excited about anything for a very long time, and that's when I know my heart is in it. I asked her if I could share her website, and she said yes, so here it is: 
astoryoffreedom.net
and her Facebook page is: https://www.facebook.com/#!/storyoffreedom
and here is her Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/Astoryoffreedom/featured

Anyway, I am thrilled that I found this, I've been watching her videos, and finding they really speak to me because her experience with her eating disorder and food is so much the same as mine, and her journey so similar, I find it so liberating to hear someone else saying the exact same things as what I've come to realize although I don't trust myself enough to go with what I know to be true, for some reason. It is really validating to me to see someone else saying the same things! And incredibly inspirational.

So here I am, setting a goal of all raw food for the next 30 days. It is ok if I eat cooked vegan food again in my life, and probably will here and there, but for the next 30 days, nothing cooked is my goal. I am just focusing on these 30 days and not thinking beyond that, otherwise it gets too overwhelming and it is not relevant right now anyway. All that matters is these 30 days. I am going to reach into myself and grab a hold of the focus, determination, and commitment that I have used in the past when I did my 35 day juice fast, and use it to power through. If I can do that, 30 days will change my life.

I am also setting a secondary goal: to meditate every day. Even if its only 5 minutes, I can do that, nothing wrong with that. I know it will help settle my anxiety and emotions that I habitually try to stuff away with food.

So, day 1 is almost over. My stomach has been hurting most of the day, from the junk I ate in the last week, and I know it's going to take a few days to feel well again. I am going to be patient with myself and get lots of sleep and just treat myself with love, and the good feelings will come.
I did 2 coffee enemas today as I felt my body was really struggling, and they helped a great deal. I'm still bloated but it'll go away in a few days. Today I had a big green juice, (parsley, asparagus, celery, carrot), and a big apple, pineapple, beet, carrot and ginger one. Also sprouted oats with my own almond milk, chia, cinnamon and banana. probably going to have some apples for a snack.

I am not going to buy the President's Choice almonds anymore though, these latest ones I realized are not completely raw, as they didn't sprout and I saw about a mm of translucent colour inside when I bit into one, and only the inner part swelled up white like it should if raw, so they are definitely partially pasteurized and I can't trust this brand to be all raw. So I will buy the other brand I found that ARE raw from now on.
I went grocery shopping and am so happy they finally got in some more cases of mangos, I bought one and they are definitely going to take a few days to ripen but they are beautiful and this time they are smaller and red, not like the big green ones I got last time which were absolutely out of this world, but I love the red ones also! Also got bananas and some organic Gala apples for a good price, so that was a lucky find. I'm just so excited for this 30 day journey. I could go on and on! goodness I better end this post before I just keep going lol :)

Have been struggling but seeing a way out :)

Well here I go again with a report that I have not been doing well, had a perfectly horrible week in terms of stress and also food choices, really horrible in fact. I am not going to dwell on it because I know that I am the only person who can change these things, and I in fact, CAN change them and I know I can! Also I'm not going to dwell on it because I am not going to give any more of my precious energy to the bulimia and I know that (1) engaging in eating disorder behaviour generates a tremendous amount of negativity and then (2) focusing on the negativity allows it to become a powerful vortex and I refuse to get sucked into it again.
So I had a bad week, it's time to let go of that and move on. yes I feel like crap right now physically but I feel great mentally because I KNOW I have the power to change all this.
I have been feeling way too scattered recently (say, the past month), mostly around work-related things. I feel a big change coming and instead of opening myself to good energy and good things that are to come, I am resisting and turning to food to block it all because I am afraid. But i don't need to be afraid.
Anyway, by coincidence (but I know it's not really coincidence!) , I found a 30 day raw food challenge online, and it's hosted by an amazing woman who used to suffer eating disorders and healed herself by eating raw, which is exactly what I want to do, and so finding the challenge I thought was perfect timing and I am going for it.  It started Oct. 6 but I am starting today, and she has videos every day on Youtube which is perfect and I can watch every day to keep myself on track.
It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, and this challenge is my gift to myself, as a way of showing gratitude (thanks) to my wonderful body that puts up with everything I throw into it and always tries its best to keep me healthy and deserves my respect.

Pressing Reset, I need a new start

So I've been struggling still since my last post, and have been sick with the flu also, and have not been feeling very positive lately. I realize that the most important thing is for me to be mentally on point because then the physical body follows. By coincidence, I have the day off work today so instead of being upset about it I am going to take advantage of the chance to get some extra rest and hopefully get better; and also to use today to get myself mentally back on track. I'm feeling very woolly headed at the moment and need some juice to clear out my thoughts, so today there will be juice for lunch.
I'm also going to distance myself from the past struggle and put it behind me, in a sense giving myself permission to start fresh today. It's a mental game I know, but it helps me to see it that way, and will help me to eat healthy and be on track today and hopefully from now on.

First day of October

Wow, it's October 1st already, and I see it's been almost a month since I posted last.
I have to say it's been a struggle, even though I wish it weren't. I did better with my workouts lately though. I haven't missed any last week or the weekend or this week, so glad for that!
I had an off day yesterday, felt really strange emotionally for some reason (partly PMS I think) and I ate chocolate and gluten free crackers, which made me feel ill of course. And today I am bloated and miserable.
But I don't want to dwell on the crappy things in life, just gotta move on and today I have the day off so I plan on lots of green juice and then probably some plain steamed veggies and salad and rice. I have decided I was causing myself too much stress trying to be all raw every day, I realized I was doing that at the cost of doing what actually works best for me, which is to eat smaller meals /snacks throughout the day and to keep it really low fat, instead of that I was stressing myself out and eating too many nuts and avocados and raisins which make me feel ill and bloated. I think I have to pick my battles here and my main goal is to eat in a way that supports training and my goal to drop body fat, and I definitely can't do that eating things that compromise my digestion. So my goal for October is to concentrate on that. It will still be mostly raw, just not all raw every day. I have to stop stressing myself out.
I don't think I've had more than a day during the whole of last month when I haven't had a sore, bloated stomach from too much or the wrong type of food :(
I find it so hard to think today due to what I ate yesterday, the mental fog from poor food choices is terrible. Anyway, I just have to get through today so that is my goal for now. It's always just 1 day at a time.

I feel really fat today

I felt horribly fat all day today. I felt fat while working and also at the gym. I think it's because of feeling still "off" from the stuff I ate on Saturday. Really, really not cool!
I felt so discouraged and sad and started to feel that old voice of depression trying to tell me, "it's no good, no matter what you do or how healthy you eat, or how much you do or don't workout, you will never beat this eating disorder" and that's just a horrible thought to have and I don't want to hold onto that or even let the depression/eating disorder even get a hold on my thoughts like that. I do feel much better after my workout, but even so I still feel not very happy. Maybe it's just a day of not feeling very happy. I guess that's ok, I just don't want to lose this battle. I think winning or losing is like an illusion, or at least losing is for sure, when the eating disorder takes control like that, it can make a person start to believe its' lies. I hate those lies. They are not true and they are not worth my time and energy.

It's also the time of the month when I get extra hungry, so I have to be careful not to slide into a binge again. I have to be on my guard. I must just get through this week. In fact, it is already Tuesday, so that means just 3 days left. And I need to stay on plan today. Last night I figured it was "ok" to polish off the last of the Larabars I had in the house and an avocado, which definitely were not on my plan, but they're gone now and I have to say I feel a huge relief that they won't be taunting me all week. I can have my treat on Saturday. Now I need to be on plan.

I didn't work until 10 today, and only worked for a few hours and then went to the gym. It felt like a weird day for that reason, and the fact that I was installing lights all by myself at this worksite kind of stressed me out. I don't like working alone.
Anyway, I didn't take my usual lunch break, and when i got home after the gym I made myself a juice and had an apple also, and am planning a salad for supper. I just have to keep myself on plan....arrgh...WHY is this so hard? I am craving more of that stupid gluten-free bread and I know it is really bad for me and will make me even more bloated and fatter if I eat it. Stupid cravings. I wish they would go away. I am tired and don't feel like fighting this battle right now.

First day of September

It is the first day of September today already, wow.
I am still battling a sinus infection, and it is hanging on and on, making me tired, and tired of it, lol. But I'm still doing my twice daily minced raw garlic with raw honey, and I firmly believe it helps reduce the severity of a cold or flu, although perhaps not the duration, but still well worth taking it.

After my binge on Saturday, I ate raw Sunday and today again, and lots of juice. Unfortunately though I am still feeling the effects of poor choices, I am still extra tired and still bloated up from the gluten-free bread I ate. Yes it was a very, very poor choice, but it's in the past now and nothing I can do about it.

In spite of my cold I did make it to the gym and got in a workout today, although not a very long one. But it sure helped me feel more normal again! I also picked up a copy of the fall schedule at my gym and was super excited to see that they are having my favourite class on Saturdays now! I am sure looking forward to that!

Today was a big cilantro, celery, cucumber, apple, pear, beet, ginger, lemon juice with cayenne and tumeric, a banana, and my amazing sprouted oats with fresh almond milk, chia, cinnamon, and blueberries. I also had a Larabar. I'm still kinda hungry so not sure, I might have an apple or two.

I had pretty much the exact same thing yesterday, except my juice was spinach instead of cilantro and I didn't have beets in it. I also didn't have a banana but had 2 kiwis and an apple.

I wrote in my journal today and wrote out my goals for the next week, but forgot to add to my blog, so here they are.
Goals for the next week:
1) get in all my workouts
and
2) eat all raw for as many meals as I can Monday-Friday, although I feel that I might be craving some cooked veggies with salad, and if that is the case, then I will honour that need. Either way the plan is to eat this way Mon-thru Fri, and on Saturday I will allow myself anything I desire to eat as that keeps my sanity and will work fine for me if I can make sure I respect the things my body can tolerate and to stay away from those that cause it to struggle. (this basically means my goal is to NOT eat gluten free bread again! lol)

Binge

Well, I may have jinxed myself with my last post, because last night I binged for the first time in 2 weeks. It was all gluten-free and vegan, but still I feel awful, as it was a lot of heavy carbs that just don't do well in my body at all. Oh well. It's over now. I just have to write about it so that I can come clean, and now I can wash my hands of it and move onward. Today is a new day, and it is the perfect opportunity to gift my body with some beautiful fresh juice.
It was all so absurd and pointless, the reason for it. I am exactly aware of why I did it. I've been struggling to get over a cold, and it's not going away easily and I've been missing my workouts and feeling really sorry for myself. Added to that, I got a message on Facebook yesterday from a guy I dated a few times, several months ago, that I really wish I'd never hear from again, and it was stressing me out how to respond, and didn't want to be rude etc, so I tried to be polite, but I was getting upset because he keeps being so pushy and I just want him to leave me alone. On top of that I haven't heard from the guy I'm dating and that makes me sad because I love him and miss him. So I was feeling all this pain and turmoil in my heart and head, and instead of just letting myself feel it in my heart and move on through it, I turned to my old, ingrained habit of stuffing it down into my gut instead.
I think I will just try to visualize the pain all doing down through me and coming out with my poop and going away and laugh about it instead of allowing my beautiful self to be affected by it because I don't deserve that!

So today it's going to be juice baby juice :)

And here is a pretty picture because pretty things make me feel better:

Week 2 ending, and sharing how my week went

It is Saturday morning and now is the end of week 2 of what began as me making an effort to eat more raw, and has now turned into a nifty little experiment on myself I think! I am finding it very easy to eat all raw 100% during the work week and am loving my food and not missing any other food at all, so I decided I am going to keep doing this another week anyway, as I don't like to think too far ahead. When you have an eating disorder like I have, it's all 1 day at a time. Yes make a plan for the week, but don't try and make future negotiations with the eating disorder or it will be back and bite you in the butt! with a vengeance! Or at least that's what I've learned how it is for me anyway.

So, how did I do this week in regards to my goals? Well for starters, I came down with a nasty cold and had to fight it all week, and had to stay home sick on Monday. I then dragged myself through work the rest of the week and that took a lot of energy, and I missed 2 out of 3 weights workouts, and only made it to 1 of them (Wednesday). And no cardio ones at all. I couldn't breathe and my chest, throat and head hurt too much. I'm disappointed but all in all, I think being sick threw me a curveball and I did the best I could with it.
Food wise, I ate all raw since last Sunday through Thursday, but last night I decided to have my treat instead of today, so I had my treat of choice, which was rice cakes and hummus and then rice cakes and sesame tahini mixed with honey, and then a big bowl of frozen bananas blended with my homemade almond milk and a spoonful of raw carob powder. 
That means I have now made it 2 WHOLE WEEKS  without refined sugar! (my biggest demon). I am more than pleased with myself, and that alone makes up for not having made it all the way through Friday.

I now have 3 days off and my plan is to make a lot of juices and hopefully get better and hopefully get in a workout or two. I will set my goals for next week at the start of the week. For now, 3 days at a time :)

Weekend ups and downs (mostly ups though)

So, good news and bad news....Bad news is I came down with a cold on the weekend, and I feel really yucky, and dreading having to go to work sniffling and sneezing and snorting. I have a feeling I am going to bed really early tonight.

Good news though, is that I did really well foodwise. I just cruised along and made wise decisions and good choices, and I stayed on plan, although yesterday not completely raw but I'm perfectly ok with that as I'd already given myself permission to eat whatever I wanted on Saturday. I had green peas, rice cakes with hummus and some with tahini and honey, and then a few pistachios and raisins. I didn't binge and and I enjoyed my "cheat meal" thoroughly, and to my great surprise I didn't even crave or eat any sugar, although I had thought I would want some candy, but I didn't, so I didn't eat any. I'm ok with that though, as for now my goal is to cut way down on sugar as that is more manageable for me and doesn't set off that Binge/.Eating disorder Voice telling me that I must eat x, y, or z (junk foods), and it prevents binge mentality, at least for me anyways.

So, I went for my run yesterday morning, having already decided to take a rest day from the gym as I was very sore from my workouts, and then today woke up with a sore throat and yucky cold that is sapping my energy so I did not work out today. I just went for a nice leisurely walk and got a bit of fresh air and sunshine which I thought would help my immune system fight off this cold.

I also lost 5 lbs in the last week and feel really good about myself, and feel so good in my clothes, that I haven't felt in quite a few weeks, and really proud of my good choices all week and indeed on the weekend too. For the first time in a long time I feel genuinely at peace with my food choices, which is a pretty amazing feeling and for someone with an eating disorder it is a rare feeling.

My plan for next week is pretty much the same, I enjoyed eating raw so much that I am setting that as my goal again, to eat all raw Monday through Friday, and to get in all my workouts, although being sick I might have to cut myself some slack depending on how I feel, but my goal is to get in my weights workouts for sure and just go a little lighter if I need to on the weights.
Also for next weekend my goal is the same, to permit myself a treat on Saturday as that so far is working for me.

Today I just had 2 big jars of juice and a lot of herbal tea and some garlic with raw honey as an immune booster, and some vitamin C, not sure what dinner will be, but it'll be something raw for sure.

Feeling grateful and Triumphant :)

It's Friday night and I reached my goal for this week!!! I am so proud of myself. I had a two-part goal for this week: 1) eat all Raw, and all in only amounts that my body needed, and 2) get in all my workouts; and I reached both of them! Wow!  I feel so amazed that I made it, and so proud of myself, and so grateful for the help from the Creator that I prayed for to enable me to reach these goals.
This means that I have eaten (and juiced) 100% raw for the past 5 days, and also last weekend I did too, which means 7 days in total. Yay!

It's been a hard week at work and I am very tired and sore from work and from the gym, but I feel victorious and mentally on top of the world.
 One thing I decided last weekend is that I would allow myself to eat whatever I want on Saturday if I could just make it through my goals. So I will see what I want to eat tomorrow. I am not craving anything unhealthy. Also I have gone to the gym for 7 days straight and due to soreness I think I will take tomorrow off, but I will still go for my run in the morning. 
So happy it's the weekend and that I actually get to enjoy it rather than spend it a) recovering from binges and b) beating myself up for binging and c) extremely bloated and puffy and tired feeling....now it'll be time to take some "Me" time, and then to set some new goals for next week.

3 down, 2 to go...

I find it hard to post during the week usually I am way too busy, but just a quick update. I am so proud of myself, I set myself a goal Sunday night that I wanted to do Monday to Friday, 5 days, all Raw and also try to get in all my workouts this week. I have now made it to Wednesday night, which means I'm 3 days in and 2 to go! That doesn't seem so bad! I feel so awesome now, I'm back to working out every day and I feel amazing and have eaten all raw and all appropriate amounts too. What a difference it makes to take care of yourself. Wow. I feel way less bloated and fat and my butt looks kinda normal now lol. As an extra bonus, I managed to eat all raw for the whole weekend, too, so I'm actually on to 5 days now, but I didnt' care about that, I just had a little goal for this week and so far so good.

Struggling to get Back on Track when my Butt looks Huge

Well, after 2 gym workouts and 1 run this weekend, I am officially "back on track".  I have such a struggle when I am in a binge rut and the past 3 weeks were basically shot. It gets so hard sometimes when I feel really down about something and end up eating crap every day for the rest of the week, and then sometimes I am able to get back on track on the weekend, but sometimes not and then it spills over into the next week and I feel horrible. Knowing I am hurting myself and yet also knowing that at that moment, I am unable to stop, and incapable of rational thought. In this case, it was a downhill week where I overate every day, and then was not able to pull myself out on that weekend, so the next week was awful as well. The week after that, which was this past week, I stayed eating healthy stuff only, but I still overate, but didn't full-on binge. Plus I was bloated from PMS as well, so that didn't help, and when I am in that state I feel so awful that I don't even go to the gym. And then it comes to a day on the weekend (in this case, yesterday) where I have finally cleared up my mental state, am thinking rationally, and juicing and nourishing my body with wonderful living foods, and it comes time to go back to the gym. Now, I absolutely LOVE working out, it is one of my favourite things to do, and I like my gym, so normally I'm super happy to go to the gym. But on a "getting back on track" day, I struggle so hard because I have gained about 5 lbs and I feel that it is painfully noticeable and that my butt looks huge, and I don't want to go on the stairclimber with people behind me looking at me. I am so embarrassed that they will think I gained so much weight and I think they must know that I haven't been in for 3 weeks and must have eaten a lot to gain weight like I have. Sometimes I get all ready to go and then it takes me about an hour of pacing back and forth in the hallway to get up the nerve to actually leave. This happened yesterday. Once there it was even worse because like I said, I thought everyone must think I look terrible. But luckily there weren't that many people there. I hope they were new people and there was no one I know there. But still, I think the staff must notice. Oh God. How embarrassing. But I pushed through and enjoyed my workout once I kept telling myself to just do my best and forget about everything and everybody else. It takes a great effort of will to do that. Today I felt better and went for a run this morning, and then this afternoon to the gym, and this time I felt a bit better about it. I hate feeling this way but there is just nothing much I can really do about it, short of try very hard to take better care of myself.

I feel sad when I think how many different sizes of clothes I have, for wearing in different times of binge-stages. Ugh. I hate how my weight yo-yo's up and down all the time. It really sucks to keep gaining and losing the same 5-10 lbs. I'm just glad I am tall and that I look ok no matter what. But still, it just sucks. Binging and constantly having to recover from binges is so exhausting, even though my binges are much smaller and healthier than they were in previous years. My clothes sizes range is smaller, too, and I have to remember that it used to be 20-30 lbs of yo-yo'ing rather than 5-10. Sigh.  I just wish, so wish, that I could be capable of rational thought and behaviour ALL the time and not just most of the time. I wish the binge compulsion wouldn't have such power to control me this way. I wish I could treat my body with the respect that it deserves ALL the time...although I used to be unable to treat it with any respect at all...I just wish I could remain at the weight that I feel best at, that I feel alive and vibrant and strong and joyful, that I could wear my favourite jeans anytime I want rather than just when I've had a good week. I wish having a good week was more in my control...I guess there are no quick fixes for anything, I know that, and I also know that I keep looking back and seeing how far I have come. I sound like I'm whining, but I really do know that I have made progress and am so proud of how much progress I have made. I want to keep making progress and no matter how long it takes, I want to someday look back and see that I really am recovered and no longer am controlled by the eating disorder.

Anywhoo, I'm having a big juice just now, apple, lettuce, fennel, celery, ginger, and redcurrant, and earlier I had a banana and a green bitter endive juice and some green peas. I know that loving myself with a week's worth of really mindful eating and workouts, I will be back to the low end of the range again. I am just going to keep looking forward, pushing towards my goal inch by inch. I'll get this.

 

just a Note

I just wanted to share a recent post on one of the blogs that I read regularly. It pretty much hit the nail on the head with regards to how I feel about my personal optimal diet, which was interesting given my recent experience with another eating style.

http://jinjeetalifero.com/?p=3552

Releasing frustrations today!

Ok, so this is going to be a long-winded rant lol!
I am feeling really frustrated and annoyed, so I am going to vent and release my frustrations. I am also on my period, so it's a perfect time to let go of things! Lol.

So I last posted about how I decided to join in a Facebook challenge for Eat to Live. At the time I really didn't think it was a huge deal that I can't eat beans, I figured I would just leave them out for the most part and eat mostly raw along with juicing and the odd cooked vegetable, using the group as motivation and support. They seemed like really supportive people, so I thought why not. Well, turns out it IS a pretty big deal to that group. They're on there posting pictures of HUGE lunches and dinners consisting of large quantities of cooked vegetables and beans, and apparently that is the ETL plan. Also you are not supposed to drink any fruit juice (I put apples in almost all my juices, almost every day), and you are not supposed to replace a meal with juice (I like to juice all day Saturday and Sunday, and I have a big juice as half of my supper a lot of weeknights), you are not supposed to "snack between meals" (I work as an apprentice electrician, and most of my workdays my eating breaks consist of 10 minutes to snatch a bite or two here and there between jobs. There is very rarely a sit-down break and this is the nature of the work. I love it and don't have a problem with it, as I have a very small stomach and my body prefers small amounts of food often throughout the day. It is also a physically demanding job, and by the end of the day when I'm about to head to the gym, I NEED a high-carb snack like a banana or a Larabar. Not only that, but if I did happen to have time to eat a huge meal during my workday, it would really hurt my stomach to put my toolbelt back on afterwards).
They are also against any oils, and yet they are perfectly ok with slathering their food with Bragg's or tamari, and these things make me feel ill and are full of sodium which makes me bloat like a balloon. I think it's completely hypocritical to say "no processed nuts!" and yet they use commercial almond milk which is full of things like "natural flavour" and sodium, not to mention it is cooked and hence contains cooked fat (I make my own almond milk). I just can't possibly look at any more pictures of cooked, heavy, dense oatmeal with processed, pasteurized almond milk and feel inspired, when I sprout my oats and mix them with beautiful fresh, raw almond milk that I make myself, sprinkled with chia seeds and a dusting of cinnamon and topped with a diced banana. I can't understand how that is supposed to be inspirational to me. I strongly believe in raw foods, and have never felt better in my life than I do on a high raw, unprocessed vegan diet with lots of juicing. To me, eating cooked stuff like that is going backwards. And beans just make me so sick. They are WAY too heavy, in my opinion. I like having a small amount of edamame or frozen steamed peas, or sprouted lentils and that is all. Not every day and certainly not every meal. I don't feel at all inspired by these pictures of heavy cooked meals. I don't understand the woman who runs the group talking about "doing this no matter what" and "don't go off the plan"  and "if you are not eating beans every day then you're not on the plan and need to revisit why you're in this challenge" as if it is some sort of gospel that works for everyone. So no matter what, I'm supposed to eat that stuff, even if it screws up my sensitive stomach and makes me ill? I don't get it. Where is the logic in that?  Also, she is obese which I also don't find at all inspirational for that type of lifestyle.
If it works for some people, great and more power to them, I think that's awesome and absolutely no disrespect meant towards any of them. We are all on our own journey and we each need to find what works for our own body. We are the only person in the world who knows our own body the best. Nothing wrong with doing your own thing if it is healthy and is of real benefit to you. With that said, I don't think that group or that lifestyle is for me. Far be it from me to judge someone else's approach to health, I would never do that! I am only having a little rant session because I needed to vent! Lol.
I haven't decided yet whether to leave the group or what.

Anyway, I am most definitely "off of the plan" because today I am having a big celery, apple, ginger and redcurrant juice, and I didn't eat any beans either! Lol.
Whew, what a relief it feels now after my ETL rant... :)
I feel like I've been released from prison :)

I just made a batch of almond milk and am freezing some of it for the first time, hope it comes out ok when I go to thaw it.  I guess we'll find out in a few days how it works. It'll be good to know anyway for future reference.

Not sure what's on the menu for the next week, but this weekend mostly juice, hmm, and haven't really figured out what my plan is for the next week at all. I am just SUPER glad that my week of horrible PMS, combined with sugar withdrawal bigtime, and also heavy smoke in the air from all the local forest fires which aggravates my asthma, is over!! Yay! I still have a few more things to say, and I really want to share more about my struggles with my eating disorder, but I have to head to the gym in a bit. I'll be back on later.

100 day challenge, day 1

Wow, it's been ages since I last posted anything. I haven't done horribly since then, but I haven't done terrific either. I 've been off track with my workouts for about 3 weeks now and definitely feel it, and also I fucked up my food intake pretty badly this weekend. This is the first time in months that I actually ate dairy and gluten-free bread, and I have the bloated upset tummy to prove it. Ugh. Also it is PMS time so that equals bloating and emotional-ness. Yuck.

Anyway, I've struggled each week for the last 3 to be on plan with my eating and exercise, and sadly ended up binging by wednesday each week.  I feel like an absolute mess mentally today, and bigtime sugar withdrawal headache and head fog too. Ugh.  I hate feeling this way.

Anyway long story short, I am in this group on Facebook for the Nutritarian, eat to live by Dr Fuhrman lifestyle, and they were just starting a 100 day challenge, so I decided to join in and take it 1 day at a time and see if I can break my addictions around food. Only thing is they go pretty heavy on the beans, and beans really don't agree with me, so I am still doing the challenge but going to focus on mostly vegetables, and will eat my legumes in the form of green peas, edamame, and sprouted lentils, as those work very well for me. Also I am doing juicing regularly, something Dr Fuhrman discourages, but I firmly believe in my juicing and also in doing mostly raw, so that is my main focus. Still within the ETL framework, but something that I know will work well for me, or at least I hope it to.

So today was a pretty rough day. I am so hard on myself and beat myself up soooo bad and basically I feel really down on myself because I never seem to get past day 5 or 6 of eating super healthy and then either binge or eat junk. Then go into a downward spiral and start feeling depressed and I know it's mainly sugar that makes me feel unbalanced this way and that I don't need to feel this way, I just need to nourish myself and starve out the toxic cravings so that they subside and then I'll be fine. I just need to get through the next week what with PMS and all and going through the withdrawal and yeah, just take it 1 day at a time. I just don't have much faith in myself at this point. But what the hell, I am nothing if not persistent. I figure if I try often enough and enough things and ways, I can work my way to my goal of physical and mental stability, peace with my food, and the body of my dreams. Anything is possible, but everything is impossible the minute you give up. So I am not giving up.

Spring is here!

It has FINALLY warmed up now and the snow is melting. I am so happy to see the back end of winter. of course this means the roads are all ice rinks, slush puddles and lakes, but at least it is finally melting.

I'm doing really good with my food and exercise too, had a great week, actually my first in a long time where I actually got all my workouts in and am feeling fantastic for it. A little tired, but I'll take it easy today. I'm sure I'm down another lb or so too, if my jeans are any indication, but I'm not going to weigh just yet.

Ok, this sounds really really vain, but my motivation right now is my really cute jeans that I bought the last time I was at my ideal weight and only wore a few times til I got stuck in the binge cycle yet again and haven't worn them since. That was in June of 2012, so almost 2 yrs and I just think that's sad to have nice jeans like that and not be able to wear them and that 2 yrs is too long! Also my short shorts for summer. I want to look hot. But most of all, when summer comes I want to actually feel happy and excited and free to be myself, and sadly every year it's been far from that. I usually am over my ideal wieght by either a little or a lot, and feel sad when spring comes because I can't wear what I would love to wear. Then I spend the warmest months of the year trying to cover up my fat and feeling miserable both because I can't enjoy summer as much and also feeling crappy physically because of my excess weight. I really think it's time for that to end.
So I have these jeans sitting right where I can see them every day to remind myself of how I want to feel and look, and of how much I want to be healthy.

Going strong

I have picked myself up from my latest dietary fuck-up, and now have a good solid week of eating healthy, juicing and working out under my belt...and have lost 7 lbs. To break that down, here's the math: lost 4 lb in February, had that last slip up during which I ate gluten and salt which caused me to bloat up 4 lb again but lost that during the 4 days after getting back on track. Then lost a further 3 lb this week which puts me at a net loss of 7 lb down since the beginning of Feb. Of course I'd be much further along if I hadn't had the 2 major slips in Feb, but the main thing is I'm back in the game.

One really big thing I realized the other day is that I now accept the fact that I am not perfect and I am going to slip up. But I keep getting back up instead of letting myself feel like a failure and using it as an excuse to let it all go down the tubes again! Lol. I'm starting to see that this is an ongoing thing, not a start, slip and then start over, but rather continue the next day the best I can and keep my goal in sight. Eating disorders and food addictions are not easy to overcome, and there are as many ways to be healthy as there are people in the world, so finding my own individual path is bound to take some time and trial and error.

So if anyone is out there struggling, don't ever give up because it may take 99 tries and fall-downs, and you just have to try again that 100th time because it might be the one that gives you a breakthrough and takes you that one big step further along in the right direction.

I'm in a funk...

I have to admit I'm really in a funk right now. I got my period on the weekend and was in a lot of pain Sunday and Monday, so I missed my workout on Monday, and gave into that "fukitol" feeling and decided to eat instead of do what is right for myself...so consequently it is now Tuesday and I feel awful and really down on myself and angry at myself for not doing what I need to do to pull myself out and smarten up, even though I know exactly what to do and that it would only take a day or 2 of eating right and I`d feel awesome again. Argh! I hate when I get like this! I had to come on here and write even though nobody is probably reading this, because writing about it might just help. I need this to be the last day of this fukitol slump...:(

Things that work for me, and things that don't!

I am having a successful week, so far! I didn't have any juice Sunday or Monday, didn't want any, but I had some last night and the rest this morning. It seems like juice is fantastic for me but my body also wants other stuff. I've been having raw veggies, oatmeal, bananas, pears, salads, cooked veggies and chicken. And my most favouritest, Renee's salad dressing with it. Omg that is such good stuff! I have not yet tried one I didn't like, and there is no msg and no artificial flavours. Although they do have soya oil, sugar and salt in them, which gets the thumbs down from me for sure, but at least the sugar and salt are a little further down the ingredient list than the crappy commercial dressings, and I honestly have never found another dressing I really love. So until I do, Renee's is it.

I weighed myself on Tuesday and found I was down 4 lbs from Feb. 1st, which given that I had a quite off-track week with some really bloat-promoting foods,  is still 4 lbs in 2 1/2 wks which is fantastic in my opinion. (I have a body that just does not lose weight quickly). Gym routine is on track, and I've gotten back into running in the mornings 3 or 4 times a week.

I'm extremely broke, having been in school 5 months and now only working part time while I search for an employer to start my apprenticeship, but you know what, I have this feeling that with the construction season going into its busy time soon, that it won't be for long, and I have this wonderful feeling of being glad I had the courage to go back to school and that now doors are open for me for something I really want to do! And that my new opportunity is just around the corner. So I am enjoying my freedom for now even if it means being broke. I was seriously burnt out after 5 months of straight school and work every day, and seriously in need of some gym time! I am now finally below the weight I was before school started and finally starting to feel like myself again.

Anyway, now to get to the topic of today's post. Things that work for me are veggies, proteins, not very much fat, and limited amounts of non-refined carbs. Also not eating after supper. If I just stick to tea in the evening I get a much better sleep and feel much more energetic the next day, and I lose weight more easily. Another thing that works is a balance of juice and the above healthy foods.

Things that don't work for me are basically refined carbs and salt. The big ones. Then there's the fact that I am allergic to gluten so it's probably the worst thing I could eat. But even gluten free carbs I find bloat and puff me up and make me gain weight easily. Cooked oil is another one, unless it's like when I make baked veggies with a bit of olive oil or something like that. But anything with too much cooked fat really seems to make my liver struggle because I feel sluggish and tired and heavy.

Just thought I'd list these things in case it might help someone else, and also to remind myself when I forget!

Update for the week

My last post was exactly a week ago and I have had an epic fail this past week! To start with, I was feeling almost manic-ly hungry on my juice cleanse once I got to day 16, which was Monday. I now know from experience that it was my body telling me it needed more nutrition and different nutrients. I've been in that mode before after juice fasting and it is the reason I'd always go back to eating crap and just say fukitol I screwed up, I might as well throw in the towel and keep screwing up. It was not an emotional reason at all, it was purely a physical reaction that my body has whenever I "restrict" anything. Anyways, it's a really crappy situation to be in because when I get to feeling like that, it's like, anything goes, and I'm just looking for something to stuff in my mouth in the hopes of relieving the "starving animal" feeling. It's awful.

Anyways, Monday was a very dark, snowy, heavy cloudy day which is something that really affects me and makes me want to stay inside and not go to the gym. Anyway, I became aware of the fact that I felt like I was starving when I made my morning juice and just about gagged looking at it. (and, this is the girl who LOVES juices and veggies!!) So I made the decision to try and eat 1 meal a day along with juicing, as I spoke about Sunday, and having decided that, I set out to the store with the intention of finding some good veggies maybe on sale and figuring out what to eat. Not really a good idea to go to the store without a plan, and while feeling ravenously hungry and sick of juice.

When I got to the store I wandered around and eventually decided I was craving pistachios, edamame, and hummus with rice cakes. Not really on my plan, but I went with the craving. Came home and watched a movie and ate. I couldn't seem to appease my hunger and cooked up an entire bundle of broccoli and threw that in as well for good measure. It was a frightening feeling to eat to the point of stuffing yourself and yet still feeling starved. It was way too much food for my stomach and I of course had a major stomachache all day.

Then Tuesday, wed, and Thurs I tried each day to get back on track, started off with juice, but kept feeling starving and each day ate a lot of cooked veggies, peas and edamame but still felt awful. Wed and Thurs I even went so far as to eat chocolate, gluten free bread with olive oil and tomato, and carrot cake. Yeah. Not very good. I immediately felt bloated and sick.

Friday I managed to stick to tuna and sweet potato but it was still too much food and I was still bloated. Saturday (yesterday) I made a big juice and took it to work and sipped it all day along with LOTS of water ; I had the feeling I was forgetting to drink enough water as well. Then had a banana, and then came home and wondered what to make for supper. I found a recipe for kale chips and never having made them before, got really excited and rushed into the kitchen and made up my first batch, and omg they were fab!!!! I mean sooo delicious. I ate the entire bunch and that was supper and I felt perfectly satisfied and just had a cup of tea before bed, and as I was eating them I started to feel satisfied and nourished, like it was something my body had been asking for and needed. I got a wonderful sleep, woke up refreshed this morning and went for a run in the snow, and feel like I have survived the crisis. Most of the bloating from the sugar and crap is gone down and I am back in control and on track and not craving the junk anymore. I'm so happy.

So what can I learn from this? Sometimes I overextend myself and I need to remember that this control is always here and I can always find it for myself, it is not elusive or doesn't need to be as long as I listen to my body and give it what it needs instead of trying to think I know better.
I sincerely wish it hadn't taken me a whole week to get back on track, but what's done is done and at least I am back feeling good mentally again and minimal damage was done, as my clothes are back to feeling as loose as they were on day 15. So I guess I'm on day 15 again although on day 22, if that makes sense. I'm going to go on from here and not give up and get right back to the gym and not waste anymore time because life is too short to feel fat. Lol.

It's soooo cold! Brrr!

It's day 15 today of my own detox plan that I worked out for myself. I've had juices, smoothies, bananas, and soup broths. I'm feeling much better, have definitely lost some weight as my clothes are looser, and feel much happier with my eating choices. I'm back to my workouts at the gym plus running as well, and feeling like I'm finally on the path to getting stronger and leaner and lighter.

I'm finding myself craving veggies  now and I think that starting today I may do juices/smoothies all day and include a salad and veggie meal for supper. My plan this time was most importantly, to listen to my body, and secondly, to complete 35 days of just pure veggie type unprocessed foods and no added condiments. A reset and a detox. I've never done anything like this before, because before I'd be all strict and force myself to just juice and then I'd crash and burn and fall right back into junk before I knew it. This time, I'm being smart and knowing myself, knowing my obsessive-compulsive, addictive, all-or-nothing personality, have set what I believe are better guidelines for myself.
It took me awhile to get to that point because it seems to be common belief in the juicing and rebooting community that there is only 1 way to reboot and that is strictly juice-only. Yet there is not only 1 right way to do something, in fact I've come to believe that there are as many ways to get healthy and lose weight as there are people in this world; that everyone has to find their own way and that no 1 way works best for everyone. As soon as i accepted that, I realized there was a lot I could do to find my own path.

Anyway, it is bitterly cold here in Canada right now, -30 this morning and -33 windchill, and it's been pretty much -30 to -20 all week, supposed to warm up next week, thank goodness! I've been going running anyway, just bundling myself right up until I look like a frost-covered mummy out there!
But I am happy to be done school and am on the hunt for a company to apprentice me in the electrical trade. So far I am only working part time in my warehousing job, but it's really nice to be done school for sure.

A new start

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted anything. The reason being that I've been doing horribly and feeling horrible (of course) too. I am making a new start though. I've been trying all month to make my "new start" and always allowing myself to fall into one excuse or another. Anyway, today is my first day of my new start, and I am not going to focus on the past few weeks where I've done horribly. If I do that I will fail and I am not going to allow that. So today is day 1. I picked today because I just have 1 more week of school and final exams and then I will be out looking for a job to start my apprenticeship and there will be no more school-related stresses for awhile, as well as a change of daily routine and I will do better because I hate school...lol. I feel like I am going to be released from prison next Friday! Lol.
So today is day 1. I am going to do lots of juicing and healthy eating and take it 1 day at a time and get back to my gym routine that I love so much but have been denying myself. I think it's a perfect day for a new start because I just got my period today so that means I will be less bloated very soon! Lol.