I feel really fat today

I felt horribly fat all day today. I felt fat while working and also at the gym. I think it's because of feeling still "off" from the stuff I ate on Saturday. Really, really not cool!
I felt so discouraged and sad and started to feel that old voice of depression trying to tell me, "it's no good, no matter what you do or how healthy you eat, or how much you do or don't workout, you will never beat this eating disorder" and that's just a horrible thought to have and I don't want to hold onto that or even let the depression/eating disorder even get a hold on my thoughts like that. I do feel much better after my workout, but even so I still feel not very happy. Maybe it's just a day of not feeling very happy. I guess that's ok, I just don't want to lose this battle. I think winning or losing is like an illusion, or at least losing is for sure, when the eating disorder takes control like that, it can make a person start to believe its' lies. I hate those lies. They are not true and they are not worth my time and energy.

It's also the time of the month when I get extra hungry, so I have to be careful not to slide into a binge again. I have to be on my guard. I must just get through this week. In fact, it is already Tuesday, so that means just 3 days left. And I need to stay on plan today. Last night I figured it was "ok" to polish off the last of the Larabars I had in the house and an avocado, which definitely were not on my plan, but they're gone now and I have to say I feel a huge relief that they won't be taunting me all week. I can have my treat on Saturday. Now I need to be on plan.

I didn't work until 10 today, and only worked for a few hours and then went to the gym. It felt like a weird day for that reason, and the fact that I was installing lights all by myself at this worksite kind of stressed me out. I don't like working alone.
Anyway, I didn't take my usual lunch break, and when i got home after the gym I made myself a juice and had an apple also, and am planning a salad for supper. I just have to keep myself on plan....arrgh...WHY is this so hard? I am craving more of that stupid gluten-free bread and I know it is really bad for me and will make me even more bloated and fatter if I eat it. Stupid cravings. I wish they would go away. I am tired and don't feel like fighting this battle right now.