I feel so sad...

I'm feeling so sad today, I saw on Facebook that a friend, Christina Newman, whom I have followed on Youtube and facebook for years died today following a long, hard battle with triple negative breast cancer. She had the most amazing videos and I felt as though I really knew her because she'd done and been through so many of the same things as I have. Her old videos about her eating disorder and raw foods kept me inspired for many a day...then she got cancer and she posted videos every week to document her story and it just broke my heart to see how much she suffered and she was so brave and strong and kept fighting like you wouldn't believe. She deserved to live and now she's really gone. I just couldn't help crying today and feeling so sad,  thinking back on her life, that could have been me, and really it could be anybody, and if I could learn anything from her it would be to never take anything for granted, and take care of your health while you can. Cleanse your liver and your arteries while you can and learn to love yourself first and foremost because you just never know what could happen. Make the right choices right now, one day at a time, because you can't see into the future and you never will know what could have happened if you hadn't. I am just getting this really strong message right now along with bawling my eyes out, and I feel like such a mess.

Anyway, I have been feeling a really strong message lately to do a juice cleanse, and I decided I want to aim for a 10 day reboot. This time I am doing a combination of my own juices and some of Joe Cross's type juices, and Jason Vale's. I was really getting this message strongly last week during my meditations. I decided to start this weekend and it is now Sunday and today was my first day. It is also day 20 of the 30 day raw challenge I was trying to do! Lol so that means this would be a nice way to finish that off, by juicing for 10 days.

In eating disorder terms...I struggled for the past 3 days. I felt like I had to cram in as much food as possible for some reason and I just had a really hard time and I overate on all 3 days. Just felt like as soon as I made 1 concession to it, all hell broke loose and I had to stuff myself. I am feeling a lot of blocked emotions and am really in need of some mental clarity and juicing will be so amazing for me. Ugh, I feel such a mess about everything. :(

update

Well, I need to post an update, much as I don't feel like it. I feel like a failure right now, in fact. I am not even counting days for anything because whenever I start something I just never follow through on it. I don't even want to show up right now, I wish I could crawl under a rock and hide for awhile, but I can't do that and I need to at least be honest. I did not do well foodwise for the past 3 days. I had horrible feelings of emptiness and they lead to cravings and I ate junk food and I feel horrible. There. Thank god that's over, it feels better to come clean.
Tomorrow is a new day and I intend to seize it and move onward. Sigh. Not feeling very well right now but I know it will pass and I can be feeling great again if I take good care of my body. Sad about this but thankful that tomorrow is a new day and each day we get a free pass to start over, which is an amazing thing and i will make the most of it. Will post again tomorrow and it will be a better day.

Day 8

It's Day 8 of what is now my own personal 30 Day Respecting my Body Challenge. I juiced today, 2 big green juices, and am going to have a veggie and rice bowl for dinner.

I am really working on letting go of attachments and judgements about myself around food. I really have been not respecting or loving myself and it's become an ingrained habit of so many years of having eating disorders that I didn't even realize what I was doing. I always thought the holy grail of eating would be the 100% raw vegan way, but not realizing that it is really love that is the true healer, and putting love for yourself first is a challenge.
I am also finding it scary to surrender all beliefs about food but I know that once I do this I will find peace with my food. That is my goal, to be truly healthy and happy and to have peace with my food. I can't express how exhausting it is to be constantly fighting a battle about whether or not it is ok to eat a certain food, and if not must I punish myself, it just gets so stressful and to set that aside would free up an incredible amount of energy I think!
I had a wonderful run this morning and a decent gym workout as well, and now my body is craving more exercise, so tomorrow there will be more of it. Yay!

Day 7...New Goal!!!

Well, this was supposed to be posted last night (Saturday) but I was really tired and went to bed lol.
But anyway an update is due.

I have struggled this past week. Still feeling the effects of the binge crap food I ate previously which I knew would take a good 6 or more days to clear, but then work was really busy and I didn't eat when I really felt hungry during the day. So then when I got home I was horribly, ravenously hungry. Itried to eat my salads as planned and for awhile I succeeded. Then Wednesday I worked a 12 hour day (which I am very grateful for as I needed the work) and when I got home I felt I had suppressed my hunger so much that I didn't feel satisfied with anything and honestly didn't know what to eat. I ended up eating a whole sack of avocados (5 small ones) which did not feel good in my stomach and I slept poorly. Then same thing Thursday I ended up eating nuts which really really didn't feel good and I felt really sad also and then Friday I ate rice cakes and hummus which of course are not raw, so I am officially out of the challenge.
But I am really grateful because I realized something. All the times I have tried to be all raw, the same thing happens. I end up feeling miserable and deprived and it all feels forced and like I am not living in my right mind, or doing this diet for the right reasons. I believe it's because I haven't been loving myself enough or respecting my body and listening to it. So I realized it's time to set  myself a new goal: To love and respect my body's needs. I am going to change this challenge to a 30 day Respecting my Body Challenge. Which means I am going to remind myself every day to listen to my body and hopefully over the course of the next 21 days I can become better at nourishing myself in a loving way. That is what this is all about. I realize my body just craves love, and I believe love is the best healer. I am going to eat what my body asks for and that way I can learn to become true to myself and I will most likely be high raw vegan as I know that is what my body loves best.
So the rest of this challenge is now going to be about releasing myself from judgements and from putting pressures on myself. My poor body has suffered enough abuse from eating disorders and really doesn't need me adding to it. and if I eat all raw but in a forced way with my body not being happy, I will never be slim and healthy and lean because I am not respecting my body, and my own judgements will get in the way and keep me trapped and may even cause me to binge on junk. After 31 years I know myself enough to realize what I need to do. I just have to trust myself enough to do it.
Today is day 8 and I will make another post later on tonight.
I finally feel pretty good now after a low energy day yesterday, my body was struggling to digest the nuts still, I could feel it and I gave myself two enemas and they helped immeasurably, and I finally felt well last night and went for a beautiful little run, and it was such a lovely warm evening for October.
I went for a run this morning and will go to the gym in a little while as well. I'm so grateful to be feeling so much better! Will decide what to eat and post on that later too. It'll be high raw vegan for sure :)

Day 2 of 30 Day Raw Challenge

Well, I made it through day 2 of my 30 days raw. I didn't feel that great today, withdrawing bigtime from junk and processed stuff of course, but that's what I was expecting and was prepared for it. I know I won't feel wonderful for probably a good week. And then mentally I wasn't feeling very good either, kept feeling a sad, heavy, negative energy. I think it's from sadness and sense of loss that I've spent so many days feeling ill and at the mercy of the eating disorder; it is a kind of mental hangover I think. So strange.
But anyway, I did another enema too, and it helped, but I still feel like crap. I know I will feel better soon, though!
Onwards and upwards :)

Day 1 of 30 Day Raw Challenge

Here I am at Day 1! Eeeeeeee....so excited! I'm thrilled, and well proud of myself, that I made it through the day. I have honestly been feeling lately like I just don't follow through on anything and keep quitting and giving up on things I've been trying, and then I feel like I let myself down and I don't like that feeling, it is not very pleasant.

So anyway, if you've read my blog posts you know that I've not been doing well lately, and to be honest a bit of depression has settled in again, as it always does whenever I eat processed foods repeatedly, but I am so thankful that now I have enough experience to know that whenever I feel that way, it is all just an illusion and that there is a way out, and that within a few days of eating living foods and taking care of myself I can feel fabulous again. My heart's dearest wish, though, is to feel that way ALL the time, and to not feel stressed about foods and eating. To be at peace and feel happy about when and what I eat, and to not feel the need to harm myself with food. To be happy and vibrant and live to the fullest of my human potential in this lifetime. That is my goal.

A couple things happened in the past few weeks worth mentioning. I was for a short time in an Eat to Live challenge group on Facebook and kept wishing and hoping that I could find a similar challenge group for raw, 30 days I thought would be perfect, just felt it was something I really needed, but I couldn't find one no matter how many groups I looked into, and eventually kind of gave up, or set aside my search anyway. Then I toyed with the idea of doing Jason Vale's 28 day Super Juice Me plan, but I don't really want to do it because I want something that I can do all the time, every day, for life as that is the only way I can make it work.  Then, last week out of the blue, I saw a post in one of my raw food groups on Facebook by a beautiful woman named Cecilie who is doing a 30 day raw challenge and is doing posts on Youtube every day, and I was just in heaven when I found this! It is just so perfectly what I need right now! I just know it! I haven't been this excited about anything for a very long time, and that's when I know my heart is in it. I asked her if I could share her website, and she said yes, so here it is: 
astoryoffreedom.net
and her Facebook page is: https://www.facebook.com/#!/storyoffreedom
and here is her Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/Astoryoffreedom/featured

Anyway, I am thrilled that I found this, I've been watching her videos, and finding they really speak to me because her experience with her eating disorder and food is so much the same as mine, and her journey so similar, I find it so liberating to hear someone else saying the exact same things as what I've come to realize although I don't trust myself enough to go with what I know to be true, for some reason. It is really validating to me to see someone else saying the same things! And incredibly inspirational.

So here I am, setting a goal of all raw food for the next 30 days. It is ok if I eat cooked vegan food again in my life, and probably will here and there, but for the next 30 days, nothing cooked is my goal. I am just focusing on these 30 days and not thinking beyond that, otherwise it gets too overwhelming and it is not relevant right now anyway. All that matters is these 30 days. I am going to reach into myself and grab a hold of the focus, determination, and commitment that I have used in the past when I did my 35 day juice fast, and use it to power through. If I can do that, 30 days will change my life.

I am also setting a secondary goal: to meditate every day. Even if its only 5 minutes, I can do that, nothing wrong with that. I know it will help settle my anxiety and emotions that I habitually try to stuff away with food.

So, day 1 is almost over. My stomach has been hurting most of the day, from the junk I ate in the last week, and I know it's going to take a few days to feel well again. I am going to be patient with myself and get lots of sleep and just treat myself with love, and the good feelings will come.
I did 2 coffee enemas today as I felt my body was really struggling, and they helped a great deal. I'm still bloated but it'll go away in a few days. Today I had a big green juice, (parsley, asparagus, celery, carrot), and a big apple, pineapple, beet, carrot and ginger one. Also sprouted oats with my own almond milk, chia, cinnamon and banana. probably going to have some apples for a snack.

I am not going to buy the President's Choice almonds anymore though, these latest ones I realized are not completely raw, as they didn't sprout and I saw about a mm of translucent colour inside when I bit into one, and only the inner part swelled up white like it should if raw, so they are definitely partially pasteurized and I can't trust this brand to be all raw. So I will buy the other brand I found that ARE raw from now on.
I went grocery shopping and am so happy they finally got in some more cases of mangos, I bought one and they are definitely going to take a few days to ripen but they are beautiful and this time they are smaller and red, not like the big green ones I got last time which were absolutely out of this world, but I love the red ones also! Also got bananas and some organic Gala apples for a good price, so that was a lucky find. I'm just so excited for this 30 day journey. I could go on and on! goodness I better end this post before I just keep going lol :)

Have been struggling but seeing a way out :)

Well here I go again with a report that I have not been doing well, had a perfectly horrible week in terms of stress and also food choices, really horrible in fact. I am not going to dwell on it because I know that I am the only person who can change these things, and I in fact, CAN change them and I know I can! Also I'm not going to dwell on it because I am not going to give any more of my precious energy to the bulimia and I know that (1) engaging in eating disorder behaviour generates a tremendous amount of negativity and then (2) focusing on the negativity allows it to become a powerful vortex and I refuse to get sucked into it again.
So I had a bad week, it's time to let go of that and move on. yes I feel like crap right now physically but I feel great mentally because I KNOW I have the power to change all this.
I have been feeling way too scattered recently (say, the past month), mostly around work-related things. I feel a big change coming and instead of opening myself to good energy and good things that are to come, I am resisting and turning to food to block it all because I am afraid. But i don't need to be afraid.
Anyway, by coincidence (but I know it's not really coincidence!) , I found a 30 day raw food challenge online, and it's hosted by an amazing woman who used to suffer eating disorders and healed herself by eating raw, which is exactly what I want to do, and so finding the challenge I thought was perfect timing and I am going for it.  It started Oct. 6 but I am starting today, and she has videos every day on Youtube which is perfect and I can watch every day to keep myself on track.
It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, and this challenge is my gift to myself, as a way of showing gratitude (thanks) to my wonderful body that puts up with everything I throw into it and always tries its best to keep me healthy and deserves my respect.

Pressing Reset, I need a new start

So I've been struggling still since my last post, and have been sick with the flu also, and have not been feeling very positive lately. I realize that the most important thing is for me to be mentally on point because then the physical body follows. By coincidence, I have the day off work today so instead of being upset about it I am going to take advantage of the chance to get some extra rest and hopefully get better; and also to use today to get myself mentally back on track. I'm feeling very woolly headed at the moment and need some juice to clear out my thoughts, so today there will be juice for lunch.
I'm also going to distance myself from the past struggle and put it behind me, in a sense giving myself permission to start fresh today. It's a mental game I know, but it helps me to see it that way, and will help me to eat healthy and be on track today and hopefully from now on.

First day of October

Wow, it's October 1st already, and I see it's been almost a month since I posted last.
I have to say it's been a struggle, even though I wish it weren't. I did better with my workouts lately though. I haven't missed any last week or the weekend or this week, so glad for that!
I had an off day yesterday, felt really strange emotionally for some reason (partly PMS I think) and I ate chocolate and gluten free crackers, which made me feel ill of course. And today I am bloated and miserable.
But I don't want to dwell on the crappy things in life, just gotta move on and today I have the day off so I plan on lots of green juice and then probably some plain steamed veggies and salad and rice. I have decided I was causing myself too much stress trying to be all raw every day, I realized I was doing that at the cost of doing what actually works best for me, which is to eat smaller meals /snacks throughout the day and to keep it really low fat, instead of that I was stressing myself out and eating too many nuts and avocados and raisins which make me feel ill and bloated. I think I have to pick my battles here and my main goal is to eat in a way that supports training and my goal to drop body fat, and I definitely can't do that eating things that compromise my digestion. So my goal for October is to concentrate on that. It will still be mostly raw, just not all raw every day. I have to stop stressing myself out.
I don't think I've had more than a day during the whole of last month when I haven't had a sore, bloated stomach from too much or the wrong type of food :(
I find it so hard to think today due to what I ate yesterday, the mental fog from poor food choices is terrible. Anyway, I just have to get through today so that is my goal for now. It's always just 1 day at a time.