Struggling to get Back on Track when my Butt looks Huge

Well, after 2 gym workouts and 1 run this weekend, I am officially "back on track".  I have such a struggle when I am in a binge rut and the past 3 weeks were basically shot. It gets so hard sometimes when I feel really down about something and end up eating crap every day for the rest of the week, and then sometimes I am able to get back on track on the weekend, but sometimes not and then it spills over into the next week and I feel horrible. Knowing I am hurting myself and yet also knowing that at that moment, I am unable to stop, and incapable of rational thought. In this case, it was a downhill week where I overate every day, and then was not able to pull myself out on that weekend, so the next week was awful as well. The week after that, which was this past week, I stayed eating healthy stuff only, but I still overate, but didn't full-on binge. Plus I was bloated from PMS as well, so that didn't help, and when I am in that state I feel so awful that I don't even go to the gym. And then it comes to a day on the weekend (in this case, yesterday) where I have finally cleared up my mental state, am thinking rationally, and juicing and nourishing my body with wonderful living foods, and it comes time to go back to the gym. Now, I absolutely LOVE working out, it is one of my favourite things to do, and I like my gym, so normally I'm super happy to go to the gym. But on a "getting back on track" day, I struggle so hard because I have gained about 5 lbs and I feel that it is painfully noticeable and that my butt looks huge, and I don't want to go on the stairclimber with people behind me looking at me. I am so embarrassed that they will think I gained so much weight and I think they must know that I haven't been in for 3 weeks and must have eaten a lot to gain weight like I have. Sometimes I get all ready to go and then it takes me about an hour of pacing back and forth in the hallway to get up the nerve to actually leave. This happened yesterday. Once there it was even worse because like I said, I thought everyone must think I look terrible. But luckily there weren't that many people there. I hope they were new people and there was no one I know there. But still, I think the staff must notice. Oh God. How embarrassing. But I pushed through and enjoyed my workout once I kept telling myself to just do my best and forget about everything and everybody else. It takes a great effort of will to do that. Today I felt better and went for a run this morning, and then this afternoon to the gym, and this time I felt a bit better about it. I hate feeling this way but there is just nothing much I can really do about it, short of try very hard to take better care of myself.

I feel sad when I think how many different sizes of clothes I have, for wearing in different times of binge-stages. Ugh. I hate how my weight yo-yo's up and down all the time. It really sucks to keep gaining and losing the same 5-10 lbs. I'm just glad I am tall and that I look ok no matter what. But still, it just sucks. Binging and constantly having to recover from binges is so exhausting, even though my binges are much smaller and healthier than they were in previous years. My clothes sizes range is smaller, too, and I have to remember that it used to be 20-30 lbs of yo-yo'ing rather than 5-10. Sigh.  I just wish, so wish, that I could be capable of rational thought and behaviour ALL the time and not just most of the time. I wish the binge compulsion wouldn't have such power to control me this way. I wish I could treat my body with the respect that it deserves ALL the time...although I used to be unable to treat it with any respect at all...I just wish I could remain at the weight that I feel best at, that I feel alive and vibrant and strong and joyful, that I could wear my favourite jeans anytime I want rather than just when I've had a good week. I wish having a good week was more in my control...I guess there are no quick fixes for anything, I know that, and I also know that I keep looking back and seeing how far I have come. I sound like I'm whining, but I really do know that I have made progress and am so proud of how much progress I have made. I want to keep making progress and no matter how long it takes, I want to someday look back and see that I really am recovered and no longer am controlled by the eating disorder.

Anywhoo, I'm having a big juice just now, apple, lettuce, fennel, celery, ginger, and redcurrant, and earlier I had a banana and a green bitter endive juice and some green peas. I know that loving myself with a week's worth of really mindful eating and workouts, I will be back to the low end of the range again. I am just going to keep looking forward, pushing towards my goal inch by inch. I'll get this.